Unstable thoughts

You know what is the most painful thing about it all?

That you existed... And met all my unrealistic standards. 

Maybe you're right. Maybe we are not right for each other now, and it takes a strong person to acknowledge that. Maybe we did dodge a bullet by stopping it now. Who knows. Maybe we were supposed to just be another stepping stone in life's lessons to each other. I don't know. 

I'm just trying to see the light in this. I've been envisioning letting things go to try and get some numbing relief. 

And the petty side of me is annoyed by not knowing what triggered the thought within you. I'm hoping you hurt harder and longer than I do. I hope you end up regretting it. 

My adult heart ache

It's been a long time since I've felt the desire to write. But I think all I was missing was a little bit of inspiration. And he walked in and out of my life. Just like that.

Like he said, we were both similar and opposites all at the same time. He pulled at my inner child. He encouraged my weird. Which has been hidden from those that have walts into my life for the past ten years. He inspired a different magnitude of excitement and it was beautiful.
He made me smile with his stupid adorable humour. He made me want to put aside my pride and break down my walls.
He made me fall and fly all at the same time.

And just like that, it was over before it began. And I'm angry? Sad? Heartbroken. All mixed in like a painful disease that I want cured.

We weren't ready for each other,  he felt. Of course I digressed. But I knew screaming and shouting it would be useless.
He said maybe down the line, once we've fixed ourselves. He didn't understand I wanted him, imperfections and all. But I also understood that he wanted to preserve what could have been. And that destroyed me.

I'm not going to lie. It's been ages since I've cried over someone. Let alone never cried over someone I didn't get to have. Stupid right? Yeah. I thought so too.

So here is me venting, trying to get back to my numb and meaningless ways. Wish me luck.

The next phase

I have surpassed various significant stages to enter into this phase. A new unexplored and unexpected phase of adulthood. I am carrying a life inside my very own being. This life is a body completely separate from mine yet within me, growing, being sheltered, being loved, being provided for. This is the easiest step (pregnancy) of the whole adjustment of becoming responsible for another life, that's what I believe at least. I mean it hasn't been a walk in the park, with all the physical, emotional, mental changes that bombarded me, in what felt like a month, but rather has been taking place in the past 7 months, non-stop.
My baby is nearing the completion of the first part of his journey and myself and those that love and support me are excited and antsy to meet him.
I have finally decided on a name, Hunter. Unfortunately, I am alone in this when it. comes to his parenting, he will not have a father present. His father feels he is an accident, and regrets Hunter's existence so I have chosen to raise him on my own. I have been challenged several times by the sperm doner, regarding his rights to being Hunter's father. But as far as his fatherhood goes, he's still living like he's. 16, despite already having two offspring from a previous relationship.
I don't think I am screwed, I could have been a better judge of character but unfortunately I wasn't and I know my life is good to change forever, and I've been told it's one of the hardest things to experience, but I know my strength, and I know all of the changes in my life and priorities are going to orbit my little one.
And I am glad it's for a reason like him.

I have been lost

All I can relate this feeling to, is there being a filament of an impenetrable material surrounding all my mental and physical senses. To the point where a full thought or message cannot be read or processed by my mind, whether it be my own or myself as a receiver. Emotion cannot be received or displayed.

The monster within

I have to remember to write things down or else I forget mind states I  go through, and then when faced with it again, it takes a lot to pull me out.  I don't yet understand the control my mind has over my emotions. Especially with people close to me, whom are very limited. Recently I've had to deal with the decision my little sister,  who has also been my best friend since she was born,  has made of moving to another province in a few months with her new beau. I have no problems with him, and I believe I support her completely since I've helped her plan, think, and break the news about it to my parents. But i think by doing so, it's finally set in. The reality of it all. My mind has been distracting itself constantly with other responsibilities and issues around the house and around my life but is it doing so automatically? Because I don't remember asking it to numb my insides to anything and anyone. And initially, i was unaware of what was wrong with me. I thought for sure medication was the culprit since I've been sick for a couple of weeks. But no, it was more than that. I woke up this morning with  it clicking in my head -  she's leaving in less than a month. I don't get to feel her embrace, or cry to her when she comes home. Or have our regular sessions of tea and cigarettes and a breakdown of the week or days events.
What sucks is, we've even gotten closer than we were these past few months, which I didn't think was possible.
How will I say bye and let her leave.? I understand at some point in our life it was bound to happen but... I never thought it would be instantly.
It's not like I'm envious, I'm genuinely happy for her that things are starting to click for her and she is starting to find and develop the person she wants to become. Bah. I don't want my emotions to shut down, though it has already begun. I hate feeling numb. Considering my emotions recently motivate me.
Writing always helped get this mind puke out... Always allows me to structure my thoughts coherently enough for me to understand them... Hence why this is the first thing I decided to do this beautiful morning, cigarette in hand... Tea by my side.

Canadian Bucket List

I've been in Canada long enough for no excuses to be worth it for not doing any of these activities!!

-Ice skating
-Snowboarding
-Camping
-Paintball
-Lazer tag
-Visiting different provinces

I've been pre-occupied in adjusting, working, being a broke student and living...

When do you give in?

To the void
To your sins
To the emptiness within.

What does it take?
To make it stop
To not give up
To find a good mistake.

Why do I fall?
For the nonsense
For it all.

How do they cope?
Living in ignorance
With no significant importance.

Why does it aggravate me

To see so many solitary.

Complaining and idle.